Is this my life?

I’m just not used to people being home, I think. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t, it seems. When Gordon is out with the car and the kids are off at school, or at a friend’s house, or at lessons or sports, I feel as though I can’t leave the house. I don’t have a cell phone, only the landline – what if there was an emergency? I’d feel terrible if I missed an urgent call, or if Gordon was trying to reach me during the day. It’s so sporadic that I never know for certain how his days go.

Then, when everyone’s home and there’s bustle and bickering, I feel as though I can’t leave. Mom has to settle the disputes and tidy up after everyone. I need to be around for all the off-chances, like tonight. Finally, Gordon has a night in which he isn’t exhausted and we have a little time to ourselves, and I don’t feel any better about it. If anything, I feel a little like a dog that’s been thrown a bone, if you’ll pardon the euphemism.

I’ve just been lying awake in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling, trying to find patterns in the stucco shadows. In the dark, it all becomes grey on grey, and I thought I might just hypnotize myself into falling asleep, trying to follow the patterns that weren’t really there. Finally, I realized it wasn’t making me tired…just nauseated.

I snuck out of bed as quietly as I was able, peeked in on Brendan and Sarah. It’s been five years since we moved in so that they could have their own separate rooms, but I still have trouble remembering which room is which. Maybe part of me is clinging to how things used to be when they were very little and sharing a bedroom. I still expect to see them both, when I look into one of their rooms.

The only quiet activity I could think to do was to browse the web. I don’t want to wake anyone…but in a strange way, I almost do. I’d like to scream and create a ruckus just to break the stillness. Am I horrible, that I’m selfish enough to want the entire world to be awake with me?

At the same time, I just want to be alone. Maybe it’s just that I’m craving different company, but I can’t have it. Aside from the occasional parent-teacher conference (which I attend with Gordon, anyway) I hardly speak to other adults.

I need to be social. I’ve been stuck in this rut since the twins were born, and I’m just so tired all the time.

I need to be proactive. Create things for myself to do and break away. I can’t let this be the rest of my life, or…I don’t know what I’ll do.