Cheap cigarettes

I changed the name of this blog for two reasons: One, I think it will be more difficult to find, if Gordon ever manages to wrestle himself off that little TA of his long enough to look into my online life, and two, I think it rather accurately represents how I’m feeling, these days.

I’ve started taking little walks to the store, every so often. It’s not much, but it’s a tiny step, a positive step, I think. I try to go through the same cashier’s lane every time, hoping to strike up a conversation, but I never manage to. Sometimes I muster a shaky smile, and embarrassingly, that’s as far as I get.

Already, of course, my excursions have led to disaster. I missed a call yesterday from Gordon as he was trying to tell me that he’d be home in time for dinner. I only made enough for three, and we got into a bit of an argument over it. I wound up reheating some pasta for myself, and I didn’t make it any secret that I was angry with him. He avoided me for the rest of the night, and I couldn’t tell you whether that made things better or worse.

Afterwards, I went out and did the most impulsive thing in my life so far – I went out for a walk to the store again, and bought a pack of cigarettes. I’ve never smoked in my life, and when I asked what brands they had, they listed so many it made my head spin. I wound up choosing something cheap, and smuggled them home as though I was embarrassed to be seen holding them.

Honestly, I am, a little. I don’t think I’ll ever smoke them, but part of me wants to. It would give me a reason to step outside for fresh air, once in a while. Although, if I were a smoker, I suppose that air wouldn’t be so fresh.

I should probably go throw them out. What a silly waste of money.

I’m glad going to buy them gave me something to do, though.